Connect with us

society

2023: Outgoing Herdsman, Incoming Bala Blu By Tunde Odesola

Published

on

2023: Outgoing Herdsman, Incoming Bala Blu By Tunde Odesola

Are dogs clairvoyant? People in the market square believe so. Mouths ajar, traders watched as over half a dozen village dogs barked and wagged their tails menacingly against the three notorious town criers, raising dust and eyebrows.

Protected by the king’s baton-wielding guards, the head of the town criers, Hadji Lie, smiled and pretended as if the dogs were the king’s pets. The angry dogs barked the more, advancing and retreating, kicking up more dust, threatening. Whaw! Whaw!!

Hadji Lie’s smile broadened into a grin, revealing an infamous diastema. Like his political party, the Association of Professional Crooks (APC), Hadji Lie is from the tribe of the lion of Judas.

Exceptionally gifted, Hadji Lie doesn’t need to wrack his brain for a lie; all he needs to do is just to open his mouth and the appropriate lie for the occasion will flow, it’s a natural endowment, just like biting is natural to snake.

Close

Like Hadji Lie, the other two town criers, Sherwood Gharubba, and Femi(nine), – so called because he swam nine rivers from his village to earn a place in the king’s palace, wrapped their plain cloths round their bodies and tied them in a knot over their shoulders like the three statues in Lagos.

Hadji Lie: (Stops at the centre of the square, sounding his metal gong and shouting.) Yan uwa! Igbo kwenu! Kere o! (No one responds.) (He smiles, coughs, clears his throat and tries again.)

Hadji Lie: Yan Naijeria! Umu Naija! Gbogbo omo Naija! (A few people stepped out to the front of their stalls to listen. Some murmured, many hissed.)

Hadji Lie: (Continues, unperturbed.) I bring good tidings from the paramount owner of all the living and nonliving things in Naija. I can see everyone, including these friendly dogs (dogs bark), is enjoying the abundant life promised by Hiss Excellency. This time tomorrow, at the same venue, Hiss Excellency wishes to address the Naijerian nation on his eight-year stewardship, and also present to you his worthy successor. In his tradition of transparency, the ultimate monarch will entertain questions from all quarters, including opposition groups and the press. Did I speak well?

(Market people, who had increased in number while Lie was speaking, continued murmuring.)

The next day, the sun scorched the earth. Yet, the market square was like a pack of sardines. If you throw a needle up among the crowd, it can’t find its way to the ground. The needle would be held by the jam-packed bodies of the crowd with grim faces, nostrils blowing hot air and arms with wiry hairs like sandpaper. The Lekki tollgate scene flashed across the minds of the people as the king’s guards whacked batons on people’s heads, telling them to bend down so that people at the high table could have a better view of Hiss Excellency at the podium.

(The MC, Oke Bakassy, introduces the king to a round of applause.)

Hiss Excellency: Fellow Naijerians, I greet you all. My fipu, it is my joy to present my stewardship after almost eight years of meritorious service to God and fatherland. It is a thing of joy to inform you that my administration has cleared the Boko Haram terrorists from the North-East as I promised. It was not an easy task, but commitment, focus and patriotism saw us through.

(Murmurings rend the air.)

Hiss Excellency: It is my joy that my administration has been able to place the nation on the path of economic prosperity, massive employment opportunities, technological breakthroughs, 24-hour power supply, unprecedented improvements in road, health and educational infrastructure, improved agricultural yields, cattle herders’ immunity and Fulani superiority. Unfortunately, some people predicted my death, they even said that I’m dead. They said one Jubrila from the neighbouring village is the one engaging my beautiful wife in the oza room; walahi, e no go better for some fipu…

(Femi(nine) runs up to the king and whispers into his ears.)

Hiss Excellency: Femi(nine), I don’t care if I’m on national TV or not! National TV my foot! Today, this nation will see the oza side of me! Maybe today is the day the dog and the baboon will be soaked in blood. Haba, Naijerians have been very ungrateful to me and my family. They said my wife lives abroad; does she not have freedom of movement? They said my children are superrich; are the children of my predecessors poor? Femi(nine), I’m not seeking an election again, let me tell them a piece of my mind today!…

(Femi(nine) and Gharubba run to the podium to whisper to Hiss Excellency.)

Hiss Excellency: Ok, I’ve calmed down. I’m ready for their questions now. But it’s fire-for-fire today, I swear!

South-East press: Your Excellency, you lied on the issue of insecurity, sir. Insecurity has worsened across the country with banditry, kidnapping and ethnic agitation daily claiming lives across the country.

Hiss Excellency: Are you South-East press or Labour press? May you not labour in vain. I promised an end to Boko Haram, and I have done that; banditry, kidnapping and violent ethnic agitation weren’t deadly when I became president. I didn’t make promises on those. And I’ve said it repeatedly that we’ll speak to your people in the dot of a circle in the language they understand. I’m not joking! Boko Haram is no longer a major threat to my people, you too tell your people to stop the nonsense killings they’re doing.

Pin-Di-Pin: Your administration is the worst in the history of the country in terms of corruption, nepotism, hypocrisy and insensitivity. Banditry in the North, kidnapping nationwide and ethnic agitation in the South-East constitute insecurity…

Hiss Excellency: Eeh! Stop there! Was it not your grand patron, Ebora de Farmer, that introduced corruption to Naijeria’s 4th Republic by bribing to get a third term and impeaching South-East senate presidents? Where are the billions of dollars for electricity that went down the drain during the Ebora-Atike years? Whether you people like it or not, I know who’s going to succeed me.

Market people: Who

Hiss Excellency: The Lion of Bourdillon!

Market people: Ha!?

Hiss Excellency: Yes, because he’s far better and more experienced than the ever lying, whining OB-China, who corruptly muddled family business with state business, and who couldn’t point to one achievement he recorded in Awka, except feed the people with alcohol. (Murmurings.) The god of Bourdillon is incomparable to Atike, the driver of Special Purpose Vehicles of corruption, whose former oga called a thief…Chief Siwaju, the god of Lagos, please, stand up and wave to the crowd.

(Murmurings)

Bourdillon: (Smiles, waves on his seat and attempts to stand up.) He rose halfway to his feet and got stranded, transfixed like a goalkeeper aiming to stop a penalty kick. Some stalwarts rushed to the scene but he remained stooping like a goalkeeper, tamely saying, bala blu, bulaba, probably an incantation to save the 2023 penalty.)

(In the commotion, Hadji Lie rushes to the podium.)

Hadji Lie: Everyone here should be proud to see Bourdillon observing Islamic prayer. I’ve never seen a man so pious. He decided to pray first before anything else…

(Market people, with dropped jaws, looked at one another, shook their heads and began to leave.)

There’s no hope in 2023. Naijeria’s hope lies in restructuring aka true federalism.

society

LAGOSIANS Calls for Removal of INEC Resident Electoral Commissioner over alleged bias against Igbos in Lagos

Published

on

LAGOSIANS Calls for Removal of INEC Resident Electoral Commissioner over alleged bias against Igbos in Lagos

LAGOSIANS Calls for Removal of INEC Resident Electoral Commissioner over alleged bias against Igbos in Lagos.

By Ifeoma Ikem 

A group known as Leaders After God’s Own Spirit Initiating A New State, LAGOSIANS, have called for the immediate removal of INEC REC, Segun Agbaje, following reports of a statement he made during a live TV interview on Channels where he gave reasons why people in Okota, Oshodi Local Government Area, cannot get their PVCs and inferred that the Igbos in the area were immigrants.
LAGOSIANS Calls for Removal of INEC Resident Electoral Commissioner over alleged bias against Igbos in Lagos
A statement by the Convener of the group, Dr. Bolaji O Akinyemi which was titled: Conspiracy against Democracy: INEC REC; Segun Agbaje’s Outburst, Other Matters Arising, accused the INEC REC of being complicit in a plan to disenfranchise Igbos in Lagos.
“in a reckless political communication known only with thugs, he made it clear that the reason they cannot have their PVC is because many of them are from the South East part of the country, inferring that they are immigrants.”
The group also alleged that there is fear in Lagos about a possible repeat of the Inconclusive election as it happened in Osun 2018 governorship election while Agbaje was the INEC REC at the time before his redeployment to Lagos.
“One could possibly have overlooked his transfer to Lagos as an internal issue to which the commission has right to, but not after his uncharitable comment about Igbos in Lagos. On moral grounds, Segun Agbaje should by now be on his way out of INEC without a petition or protest. Agbaje is a stigma on the integrity of the Mahmood Yakubu led INEC. INEC Chairman can’t keep a tribal bigot and nepotistic personality in his system and keep the integrity of his organization,” the statement read.
The group while dismissing any planned protest against the fuel and cash scarcity which it said is being instigated by those who crushed the #ENDSars protest in Lagos using the army, however asked LAGOSIANS to rise against what it called injustice meted against the Igbos in Lagos.
The statement said: “The only protest acceptable for now is Segun Agbaje must go! Our only hope for a better and greater future is the grand national protest scheduled for the 25th of February 2023! Our placards being our PVCs, anything that will compromise the system to oversee a free and fair election must be gotten rid of.
Agbaje has done it before and by his comment on the Igbos, the signs are obvious of what he is capable of. If Igbo will votes in Lagos, and their votes will count like that of every other tribe, then Agbaje must not remain INEC Resident Electoral Commissioner in Lagos state,” it added.
Dr. Akinyemi who is also the Convener of the Apostolic Round Table, while appreciating the endurance of Nigerians affected by the economic woes occasioned by scarcity of cash and fuel, also encouraged registered voters to ensure they collect their PVC in order to vote in the election, adding that any attempt to manipulate the polls should be met by the mother of all protests.
“Be prepared for pay back with figures beyond their manipulations and if in conspiracy with INEC, they serve the BVAS breakfast after the people’s victory as they did in Osun recently, then the mother of all protests can follow but till then, Segun Agbaje must go! We will cast our votes, ensure it is counted and our elected President announced, inaugurated and running the country!”

Continue Reading

society

Valentine Bash: As He dey Hot! Oritsefemi and your Boy SEIDU are set to light up Roseview court hotel & Apartment as it celebrates its 12th Anniversary and special St. Valentine’s day  Celebration.

Published

on

Valentine Bash: As He dey Hot! Oritsefemi and your Boy SEIDU are set to light up Roseview court hotel & Apartment as it celebrates its 12th Anniversary and special St. Valentine's day  Celebration.

Valentine Bash: As He dey Hot! Oritsefemi and your Boy SEIDU are set to light up Roseview court hotel & Apartment as it celebrates its 12th Anniversary and special St. Valentine’s day  Celebration.

All road leads to the renowned hospitality outfit,  Roseview Court Hotel & Apartment situated in the Alagbole Akute  Ogun state Nigeria. As their mission statement connotes  “hospitality unspeakable @budget price” Roseview court is synonymous with all-round top-notch service in hospitality.
The outfit is set to mark its 12 years anniversary of Scintillating hospitality services at budget price  to all its customer across the world.
Valentine Bash: As He dey Hot! Oritsefemi and your Boy SEIDU are set to light up Roseview court hotel & Apartment as it celebrates its 12th Anniversary and special St. Valentine's day  Celebration.
According to its public relations officer, famous double wahala crooner will be performimg live along side your boy SEIDU and other major artiste across the country to celebrate its 12 years anniversary,  and lovers day on valentine.
At a media parley with the press on  line up of activities  to celebrate the outfit 12 years of service,  The  chairman of Roseview Group Hon.Bemigho Eyeoyibo said we are very happy to celebrate our 12 years of good service to our numerous clientele,  though the entire globe with Nigeria not an exception  is experiencing a downtime especially in the hospitality industry but we still keep and maintain our standard all glory to God,  Roseview  Court Hotel & Apartment today can compete with any Hotel around the world when it comes to modern hospitality service,  we have been able to give our service above board,  this explains it is a yearly ritual to celebrate our customers.
Programme lined up includes dance,Karaoke,games,raflle draw,drinks,candle light dinner amongst other freebies.The celebrations will also herald the launching of our new 3 bed apartment wing.

Continue Reading

society

Tinubu hails Nigerian Governors over Supreme Court ruling on CBN Naira Swap policy 

Published

on

Tinubu hails Nigerian Governors over Supreme Court ruling on CBN Naira Swap policy 

Tinubu hails Nigerian Governors over Supreme Court ruling on CBN Naira Swap policy 

All Progressives Congress Presidential Candidate, Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu has hailed the Governors of the 36 states for standing on the side of the Nigerian people over the Central Bank new Naira and cashless policies that have subjected the masses to pains.
Tinubu hails Nigerian Governors over Supreme Court ruling on CBN Naira Swap policy 
According to Asiwaju Tinubu, the Governors especially the APC Governors who instituted the suit against the CBN and Federal Government at the Supreme Court acted well on behalf of the hapless Nigerians who have been made to bear the brunt of Naira redesign policy that has been poorly implemented.
The Supreme Court on Wednesday morning in a law suit brought before it by the governments of Zamfara, Kogi and Kaduna States gave an interim injunction against the CBN and Federal Government,  allowing the old N200, N500 and N1000 to remain legal tender beyond February 10 deadline until the case is fully disposed.
Following  the apex court ruling, Asiwaju Tinubu noted that the governors  have saved the country from  a needless political and economic crises and miseries which have clearly become the unintended consequences of the monetary policy of the apex bank.
Asiwaju Tinubu noted that the Supreme Court ruling coincided with the advisory of the International Monetary Fund urging for the extension of the deadline for the swap of the old naira notes, going by the problems being experienced across the country in getting the new notes.
“I want to salute the courage of our Governors and most especially the Progressives Governors in APC who acted to save our country from avoidable and dangerous political crises and social unrest which the Central Bank policy on new Naira notes has brought on our country.
“Our country was dangerously careering toward anarchy and political and economic shutdown.  But with the Supreme Court interim ruling our country has been pulled back from the precipice. We thank our Supreme Court Justices for ruling wisely on the side of the people who have been subjected to undue agony and pains since this policy was announced.
“The Federal Government and relevant stakeholders can now sit down and work out better framework on how to proceed with the new policy without causing any social and economic disruption and inconvenience to our people. We have examples of other countries that have successfully and seamlessly changed their currencies to learn from.
“Those countries give a long time, at least 12 months to effect the currency change. They do not engage in CBN-like Fire Brigade approach.
“We have seen how a good policy can be poorly implemented to cause unintended problems for the people who should be the beneficiaries. While lessons have been learnt, we must now move on as a country and people with a Renewed Hope for a better tomorrow.
“The sole aim of my running to be the president of our country is to make life better and more abundant for our people and this is an ideal for which I will remain eternally committed to.”
Asiwaju Tinubu called on the CBN to ensure that the Supreme Court ruling is effectively executed by taking all necessary steps to (i) ensure sufficient availability of Naira notes (whether old or new) and (ii) properly sensitising the public on the ruling and the consequent validity of old Naira.

Continue Reading

Trending