Taiwo Adenike Adeola

I have been wrapped in the comfort of a womb that carried me
The metronome of my heartbeat beats the drum that I hope the world we dance to
Until tears pierced my blind eye to see the reality of the world outside her womb
The stench of deceit was all over the hand that carried me……
I searched for love in his eyes, but I found none…
I know there was little like a ray of light in a deep hole, but it was covered, covered by his impatience, cos he couldn’t wait to leave me, to abandon me and never to look back.

Then life began to unfold itself like a long nightmare
Life was supposed to be bright, but my corner of it was dark like theoretical mass
I realized, I realized that life was fifty shades of darkness
And my own private world was fifty shades darker.

Daddy! Daddy! I hear other children call..
I hear them call out, and it was like a song
A beautiful piece of music to my hears
A beautiful piece of music, accompanied by a masculine instrumental voice answering “daughter”
Oh I wish someone will call me daughter
I wished my daddy carries me and throw me in the air..
I wished he would catch me in midair and envelope me in a warm embrace
Oh I wished, he was there, he was there to sing Jingle over like a motor to me..
But wishes were not horses… So I could only hope to fly

I felt lonely, mum was never enough, though she tried to be..
My already dark world became darker like abyss
There was no dad’s love to light it up

I remember, I remember countless nights, countless cold nights I wept on my flat 2/4 bed
I felt rejected, I felt lonely
I felt lone like a lost lamb in a thick forest
I was scared, scared of all the bullies around, those wicked big bad wolf..
They knew no one would come to my rescue
They know I don’t have a dad, a dad that will scare them like an angry Shepherd would scare would scare a wolf from his lamb..
They knew I was a poor little child..
Daughter of the poor woman..
Poor young woman, famous for owing debt in every provision store.
So they never stopped bullying me..
Echoes of their wicked laughter followed me like shadow even to dream land.

Mum tried, but she was not just enough…
I needed dad so badly… For 14 years, I hoped and pray
My heart was used to the rhythms of the wall clock…
It was used to the tick-tock sound..
I checked the time every now and then..
Believing, believing my dad would appear suddenly like a thief in the night..
I kept hoping.. Kept praying… I kept praying for that the dad that would never come..

Many times, many times we slept on empty stomach..
We kept repeating the routine of the last super every night..
We lived like that poor woman, that poor Zarephat widow in the bible..
Who had no hope for the future..

Then gradually…. Gradually I gave up on my dad..
It was obvious he was not going to come..
That little girl of 14 years dissapered to the past..
That little girl who longed for her dad’s embrace was gone..

I gave up.. Gave into the fire.. My dreams and high hopes
I know… I know I should have fought
I should have fought the dark shadow hovering over me…

But realization… Realization struck me like lightning
He was never going to come… Not now.. Not ever..
He was never going to come to a child he considered bad lock..
Bad lock born out of wedlock..

I felt like a failure.. as if I have failed life greated examination
14 years ago seem like yesterday before my eyes..
Just yesterday when love so bright.. So bright like sun flower danced in my eyes..

But now… Now I’ve grown into a woman..
I tried not to remember my dad again.. I tried hard to forget him..
But my height, face, and skin color reminds so much of him.. To my dismay…
But the love I had for him has withered..
That beauty sun flower of yesterday has shrunken…
Shrunken cos of lack of sunlight…
It stopped.. It stopped growing, photosynthesis could not take place..
How could it when my father was the photosynthesis.. the photosynthesis my love life needed to grow..
But he abandoned me.. Abandoned me in the darkest corner of the world..
And now, now.. I’ve given up hope..
I’ve thrown my hope my dream down the drain

Now, now I know I don’t deserve nothing..
Nothing, cos I am a child born out of the wedlock..
So don’t even try to pity me, it’s the last thing I want.

Every night, every night I lie in bed
I lie I’m bed, but I can’t sleep…
On the ledge but I can’t leap

I have words on my tongues, but I can’t speak.. My tongue is glued to my mouth
My lips are sealed
Though I’ve grown.. But that little girl, that poor little girl of yesterday..
That little girl who craved for attention was still in me…

I tried to live happy like others..
But I was not conceived like others..
I was not conceived and born like others…
I was a child born out of wedlock..
A mistake.. A great mistake..

I tried so hard..so hard to keep the fire of love burning..
But it’s like taking a step forward and four steps backward..

It kept going down.. Like a melting candle..
And now the light is off..
I tried to love twice.. My father and the other
The other that I risked a lot for..
But I failed… I failed terribly twice
There should be a medal for failures..

Now, I’ve returned to that dreaded zone..
A place of incarceration… A theoretical mass..
The darkest, deepest part of the dark sea..

I’m drowning… Drowning in this sea of hatred..
I have exhausted my anger… It has run run out of me like water down a drain..
I’m choking…choking with fear, regret, pain, tears,
Tears and the constant fear on my mother’s face..
I tried gasping for air, but the black sea kept dragging me back..
I flapped my hands in the water like a dying butterfly..
I tried…tried raising my head..
Tried raising my head..maybe someone would see me..
Maybe a good Samaritan would save me…
Part of me wants to be saved, the other rejects help..

To me it’s finished like Jesus said on the cross..
But save me…save me if you can.
Taiwo Adenike Adeola.